by Debbie Kanfer
During a time of utter brokenness, Debbie experienced God’s strength filling her and changing her.
I awoke early one morning on a bright day in July of 1983. But as I opened my eyes, a harsh reality pounded against me. I felt as if I’d been thrown into some sort of pit. I was down so deep that light could barely reach me, and I knew I was too helpless to free myself from the insurmountable depths. My desperation was a sharp contrast to that lovely morning. In fact, I didn’t want to live.
Our newborn daughter was asleep in her crib. My husband had moved out two days before she was born. He said he had to get away from our three kids, claiming he was “toxic.” He was unable to work, and we had no medical insurance. He wanted to do away with himself. He was actually suffering from clinical depression, but at the time we didn’t know what that was. On top of that, our four-year-old son was in the hospital with a life-threatening condition. The doctors weren’t sure if it was Crohn’s disease, but they believed it would recur for the rest of his life. There was nothing they could do for our little boy.
I woke up into the gloom of that morning with my face still streaked from tears. Then the strangest thing happened. I wasn’t sure why or how, but I felt as if I was being lifted up and held in the arms of Love and ShalomThis Hebrew word, pronounced shah-LOME, means peace. In Hebrew it is spelled שלום.. Right there, in my weakness, He found me. I was being rescued by what, at the time, I would have called “the Spirit.” I felt as if He had brought me into His sacred garden—a place of safety, nourishment, and peace. Later I would come to realize I was in the transforming presence of Yeshua the Lord that early morning. Outwardly, nothing had changed. But I would never be the same.
During Yeshua’s famous Beatitudes sermon He said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matt. 5:3 NIV). My circumstances had caused me to become one of the poor in spirit that Yeshua was talking about. I was broken and dependent on God’s mercy. I realize now that this was a hidden blessing, because being rescued by Yeshua gave me a glimpse of the peace and joy that only He can offer.
I started looking forward to waking up every day in the quiet of the early morning, despite all my tough circumstances. That’s when I would meet with God. As surely as I held my newborn baby girl in my arms, I knew He was holding me. I began to know a greater happiness than I could have ever imagined during those early mornings. It was the kind of joy and peace the world cannot offer, ever. I developed a heart of gratitude because of His goodness, grace, and blessing. I knew I hadn’t earned or deserved any of it.
During that time, my brother Jim sent me a birthday card. The front of the card showed a picture of a beautiful, golden sunrise, and it said these prophetic words: “I meet God in the morning.” It’s hard to express how astonished and delighted I was to receive that card. I saw it as a personal gift from the Lord. I felt like He was speaking to me through that special birthday card, confirming His faithfulness. My brother later apologized for giving it to me.
“Oh Deb, I’m sorry! Helen Steiner Rice can be pretty corny.”
“Not at all Jim,” I assured him. “You can’t imagine how special it was to get that card. I really do meet God in the morning now.”
The qualities God filled me with each morning must have begun to show, because people who knew my awful difficulties were calling me a tower of strength and a hero. They said they were amazed I could be so calm in the storm. And I would answer, “But I’m not strong or calm. It just seems to be some kind of miracle!” Even then, I knew that the strength within me did not come from me, but that the Lord was meeting me there in my helplessness. I didn’t even know yet that the Lord was Yeshua, The LORD.
As things improved, my relationship with God became superficial. My husband began to heal, we were able to get good jobs, we bought a home, and our son’s health improved . I let my busy life crowd out God. It was easy to slip away from Him, because I was no longer desperate, and I returned to that old sinful resistance. Deep down, I simply didn’t want “a god” who would interfere with my life.
By the Lord’s astonishing grace, three years later the great miracle of my life occurred. I came to know the One who had rescued me. I became born again into the living hope offered only through the death and resurrection of Messiah Yeshua. When this happened, I was no longer resistant to Him, but instead wanted to allow Him to change me through His transforming grace. I had the desire to worship Him, to be steeped in His Word, and to be in fellowship with other believers.
In His sacred garden are hidden blessings. Spurgeon said it poetically:
“From threatening clouds we get refreshing showers; in dark mines men find bright jewels: and so from our worst troubles come our best blessings.”1
Not until I lived through my season of brokenness could I begin to glimpse God’s love and power. It took a truly humbling situation, beyond my control, to get my focus on Him. The only direction to look was up. That’s when I could begin to experience all He was able to do in me and through me, by His strength.
Another one of my favorite quotes is from Corrie ten Boom, a Gentile Holocaust survivor. She often encouraged others by reminding them, “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”2
God brought me to and through the worst time of my life, has brought me here now, and He will ultimately bring me home to reside for eternity in His sacred garden of blessings, when they will no longer be hidden.
1 Charles H. Spurgeon, John Ploughman’s Pictures: Everyday Advice Based on Biblical Truth, (New Kensington, Pa.: Whitaker House, 2012), 27.
2 Julie Davis. “‘The Hiding Place’: No Pit So Deep.” Posted April 13, 2011. Patheos. www.patheos.com, (Accessed May 26, 2012).
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